Quick favor: Our records indicate that you aren’t opening this email. But records can be wrong. Please click here if you’d like to remain subscribed to Hospitalogy.
{/if}
Hey fam!
It’s that magical time of year again when America’s top athletes take the field for their greatest competition: sprinting into Target at 5:00 a.m. to bodycheck a stranger for an air fryer.
With Black Friday approaching, I thought… why let retailers have all the fun?
What if healthcare (yes, the industry that brought you prior auth purgatory, $8 ibuprofen, and the $49,000 surprise out-of-network appendectomy) threw on a puffer jacket, rolled up with a shopping cart, and joined in the Black Friday chaos?
So I did what any serious healthcare newsletter writer would do: I imagined what a full-scale Black Friday rollout might look like across the healthcare ecosystem.
(HUGE props to my collaborator Kaerrie Hall for the creative inspo on this one! If any of these “deals” make you chuckle, please give her a shout on LinkedIn for me!)
Spoiler: It gets weird fast.
If you’re brave enough to battle the crowds this week, I wish you good deals, good coffee, and good luck. Let’s get into it.
We might see health systems rolling out the savings, with Black Friday specials that include:
BOGO Knee Replacements
Whether you’re post-arthritic or just knee-curious, get that second joint free.
Use code: FLEXFRIDAY
“Mystery OR Box”
For just $2,999, you get a surprise procedure performed in our OR by a mystery surgeon. Could be a routine gallbladder removal. Could be exploratory. Could be performed by the night janitor.
ER Express Lane
Didn’t practice safe shopping? First 50 arrivals to the emergency room on Black Friday get an ER Express Lane Fast Pass, valid for future ER visits. Skip the line. See a doc in under 4 hours. Powered by Disney queue technology.
We Might Even See Some Loyalty Reward Programs…
Introducing CareFailPoints: Every dollar you spend earns points toward future care.
500 points = 1 free ride in a non-air-conditioned ambulance.
2,000 points = 50% off your next CT scan. Only applies to repeat, unnecessary scans.
10,000 points = One free “You’re probably fine” from a PCP who barely makes eye contact.
…And for 20,000 points, a free upgrade to full-color casts for life! Choose from popular pastels or a special graphic cast featuring the slogan we print on all our bills.
Turns Out, Payors Like Black Friday, Too!
HumanCigBlu+ is proud to offer:
“Surprise Billing Roulette” App Think you know your deductible? Think again. Our new gamified app gives you 0.8 seconds to take a screenshot of your real out-of-pocket price before it disappears into the void. Most users fail, but those who succeed win a procedure completed by a guy who once played a doctor on TV.
Free Tote Bag with Every Medication or Procedure Denial! Confused why something wasn’t covered? Don’t worry. Every denial comes with a complimentary tote bag that reads “Your Care Doesn’t Meet Medical Necessity”. For just $100/month more, we’ll send someone to your house to explain your Explanation of Benefits with a flashlight under their chin like it’s a ghost story.
#JustScopeMe
New from health systems that are feeling generous and only slightly understaffed!
Come in for a same-day colonoscopy and get a free lunch at Chipotle!
First 10 patients get a free “Ask Me About My Polyps” bumper sticker.
Use hashtag #JustScopeMe to show off your favorite scars from past procedures. Best one wins a free ride on an underutilized Da Vinci robot.
New Drop from Carefluencer Nation
Meet @healmebethany, the TikTok nurse-turned-influencer offering this Black Friday Promo:
“Use my code STOPOVERCHARGINGME to get 10% off a deluxe telehealth bundle featuring:
one virtual strep test
one AI diagnosis that may or may not be shingles
and a 2-minute follow-up with a PA who’s also doing her taxes.”
Bethany also partnered with ScrubHub2000 to launch a limited-edition hoodie that says: “I Survived the 10-Hour ED Wait and All I Got Was a Massive Bill.”
The Joint Exchange
Got a vintage hip implant? A Y2K-era stent?
The people who brought you value-based care now bring you trade-in value!
Trade in your old hardware during Black Friday Week and receive $500 off a new one or $500 off your next medically unnecessary MRI. Just pay the $4,999.99 “Parts Compatibility Fee” and let us pretend you’re saving money.
Isn’t it time you upgrade your body like you upgrade your phone?
Last Laugh
Healthcare Black Friday may be a joke now, but give private equity 6 more months and this whole article could be a pitch deck.
Until then, keep your elbows up in the crowd, your medical records backed up, and your deductibles low.
If you see any real BOGO medical offers this weekend, share them immediately!
{ad_content_secondary}
TOP READS & RESOURCES
My favorite reads & resources from the week
PE deals in the healthcare services sector declined 13% QoQ in Q3.This report from PitchBook digs into the areas most affected and analysts’ outlook moving forward.
Everyone’s chasing innovation. My article highlights a true disruptor: a team stitching together healthcare’s disconnected systems to power multidisciplinary care coordination, ED throughput, and more.*
The Hospitalogy Membership’s November Roundtable focused on major uncertainties in U.S. healthcare policy, the potential for more rural closures, and a return of survival-driven hospital consolidation in 2025–2026. Members can access the replay here. (Not yet a member? Apply to join here.)
*This read is brought to you by one of my brand partners who help make this newsletter possible!
Thanks for the read! Let me know what you thought by replying back to this email.
Enjoy the long weekend, Hospitalogists!
— Blake
{if profile.vars.rh_reflink_9}
Share Hospitalogy, Earn Rewards
Have friends who'd love Hospitalogy too? Click the link below to share Hospitalogy with your friends and earn awesome rewards!
PS: You have referred {{profile.vars.rh_totref_9}} people so far
.png)
